I'm in a long distance relationship of sorts (not an official relationship but we sort of act like we are because that's just the natural dynamic that developed) with an old friend. We stopped talking for a long time, and then reconnected. We've never been physically together. He was my first CG (caregiver) and is a natural at it and is a natural dominant and we also be littles/middles together. He's not into kink though, and he doesn't know very much about kinks and fetishes beyond what mainstream media says it is. I've been slowly teaching him more but he doesn't really get it, and that's okay.
I recently began another relationship with someone who is into petplay, so they're like my support dog when I'm in little space and I own and care for them too. They have given me opportunities to explore my sadistic switch side. I've learned that I really enjoy BDSM in general, giving and receiving. Up until this person I just thought that I would enjoy it but never really tried it, and now I'm sure beyond a doubt.
My CG has been struggling.
He'd prefer to be monogamous with me, but because of our conflicting views (I'm poly AND kinky and he's not) it won't keep us both happy and this fact breaks his heart but he said it doesn't change how he feels about me. I specifically want BDSM dynamics in my life though, the deep intimate kind. He doesn't really understand what that is or what it entails, because all he really knows about is vanilla monogamy.
Since I'm poly it doesn't break my heart exactly, it doesn't change how I feel or anything, all I've requested is that he continues being my close friend if he does decide to one day enter into a monogamous relationship.
We aren't in an official relationship because of these differences, but it's not like that changes how we feel about each other or how we want to interact with each other.
So while I'm learning more about what my sadistic side likes while spending time with my pet, my CG is feeling isolated I think, among other things.
He is feeling like there is a part of me that he doesn't know - and it's true! If he doesn't like kink and doesn't get kink, and therefore doesn't ask very much about it, then he won't know that part of me. I can't really help that, and I don't personally see the issue.
With my CG I spend A LOT of my time in little space, so he always sees me as that. Since we aren't physically together (yet) he doesn't get to see the way my primal side comes out, which would make a good transition to me when I'm feeling Dominant.
All he really sees me as is cute, and sensitive and gentle.
The other day when I was telling him about some of the things I do with my pet, he got distressed and said it's like I'm not the person he thinks he knows. Like who he knows isn't me, that I'm just pretending to be cute, sensitive and gentle. That it's like I'm acting, that's it's just a "cute front" for something.
I've never explained to him what a little is. I've never told him how prevalent it is in the relationship that we have. He comments on how cute I am, on how he wants to protect me and hold me and keep me safe, and we naturally just do little/middle stuff together like play games and go on adventures. He never entirely made the connection that my childish interests are related to the cuteness either, just that I was childish AND cute. He's childish too, but he doesn't know what a little/middle is and A LOT of people are casually childish today so I'm not really abnormal most of the time.
He hasn't felt very good about my kinks in general, specifically the more violent ones. He told me that he thinks what I do is cold and cruel, and that the cute person he knows wouldn't do those things. Without experience in kink he doesn't understand how common it is to be fluid like that, and to switch.
I've been anxious to try to explain to him what a little is though, and not being able to tell him when I'm in "little space" is weird, I just describe it to him as feeling really vulnerable and he seems to get what I mean and what I need at that time.
By using other words he has understood completely, and is great at looking after me in that context.
I wasn't planning on telling him that littles are a thing that other people experience too unless it one day became necessary.
Now he's confused about me, and being a Dominant little isn't very common either I think.
I'm not sure how to explain it to him in a way he'd understand.
I'm not sure if I want to be that vulnerable with him about it, because it is a sensitive thing to explain and if he reacts poorly it will make me so sad. If he misunderstands it will make me feel bad about myself. It could change how views our relationship and dynamic together.
I'm anxious that he'll feel even more isolated.
He knows a lot about my past because he was there for it, and about the experiences that probably brought me here, so I'm embarrassed too.
This post is also sort of a rant. I really want to just express this to other littles who might understand.
Thank you for reading!
Edited by littlekami, 10 October 2020 - 08:09 AM.