Helps?

[Guest LilPrincessPup]

Hi there’s everyone, 

I wanted to ask for some advice when it comes to talking to my DD about my anxieties. I knows dat is something neither of us can help a they are very crazy an irrational. Whenever I tells him I is feelin anxious he ask me why, buh when I explain why it turns into a huge ting where he can’t believe I tink of him dat way an how is all his fault for making me feel dat way, or if I asks to rephrase something cause it flip a sad switch in my brain den is me making him suppress who he is as a person, or about how he’s so bad at words and he never be able to talk to peoples.
 

Is there any ways I can tell my anxieties wifout triggering a self loathing spiral? I try tell him many many times it has nothing to do wif him an is not his fault, a little extra kiss on da head or a hug or headpat would instantly dissipate those fears an anxieties buh I dunno what to dos. 
 

Da same goes for my chronic pains an illness, I get so exhausted from any social interaction that it makes me sick, irritated, and exhausted in a way I can’t even begin to explain. But everyone (not just DD) tell me that it’s no big deal, to suck it up and enjoy the party and blah blah blah and I just have to leave to cry in da bathroom cause it’s all so overwhelming and I cant say “hey I wanna leave” cause then it’s “why did you come if you’re only staying for 2 hours??” My own family already calls me the “dine and dasher” cause they have a habit of not actually making dinner until 3-4 hours after they said it would be ready. 
 

Is just so exhausting and I wish I could let it all out an genuinely have someone sit in front of me and tell me they understand and give me a hug, my brain is so very tired 

[Dangerously_Well]

Oh, sweetheart, it sounds like you're carrying a heavy burden, and it's completely understandable that you're feeling exhausted and overwhelmed. It's so difficult when you're struggling with anxieties and chronic pain, and it's even harder when you feel like you can't communicate those struggles effectively with the people you care about.

It's clear you're trying your best to communicate with your DD, and it's frustrating that it often leads to him feeling blamed or inadequate. It's important to remember that you're not trying to hurt him, and your anxieties are valid.

Here are some thoughts, I apologize in advance if you feel I have overstepped or misunderstood:

Regarding Communication with Your DD:

• "I feel" statements: These can be very helpful in expressing your feelings without placing blame. For example:
  • Instead of: "You make me feel anxious," try: "I feel anxious when..."
  • Instead of: "It's your fault I'm feeling this way," try: "I'm feeling anxious, and I would feel more reassured if..."
• Focus on your needs: When you're talking about your anxieties, try to focus on what you need to feel better. For example:
  • "I'm feeling anxious, and I would really appreciate a hug and some reassurance."
  • "When you say [phrase], it triggers a sad feeling for me. Could you maybe rephrase it next time?"
• Timing is important: Choose a calm and relaxed time to talk, when you're both less likely to be stressed or reactive.
• Reassurance: Emphasize that your anxieties are often irrational and not a reflection of his actions or his worth as a person.
• Positive Reinforcement: When he does respond in a way that helps you, be sure to express your appreciation. This can encourage him to continue that behavior.

Regarding Chronic Pain and Social Interactions:

• Be clear about your limitations: Before social events, try to be clear with people (including your family) about your limitations. You could say something like, "I'd love to come, but I may need to leave early as I have limited energy."
• Set boundaries: It's okay to prioritize your health and well-being. If you need to leave an event, do so. You don't need to feel guilty or apologize. You could say, "I'm starting to feel unwell, so I need to head home now. I had a lovely time while I was here."
• Find supportive people: Seek out friends and family who understand and respect your limitations. It's okay to distance yourself from those who make you feel guilty or pressured.
• Communicate your needs: It's okay to say, "I'm feeling overwhelmed and need to take a break." People who care about you will understand.

General Support:

• Self-compassion: Be kind and patient with yourself. You're dealing with a lot, and it's okay to feel overwhelmed.
• Seek support: Consider seeking support from a therapist or counselor. They can help you develop coping mechanisms for your anxieties and chronic pain, and also help you improve communication skills.
• You are not alone: Many people struggle with anxieties and chronic illness. You are not alone, and your feelings are valid.

It takes courage to express your vulnerability, and you've done that. Please remember that you deserve to be supported and understood. It's okay to prioritize your well-being and to set boundaries to protect yourself.

I'm here to offer a listening ear or any support I can. You are strong, and you are worthy of care and compassion.

[redruffle41]

Hey lovely. I agree with the first response as far as the advice and general "correctness" of that response. It's text book advice. Gold ⭐ star.

Here's what I would also add. Stop worrying about others and worry about yourself. A friend gave me some advice that really helped. He said, "YOU have to be the most important person to YOU in YOUR life"

So, what this might look like is not going to your daddy if he's not a good person to handle holding your anxieties. He's making it about himself.  I hate that for you. Friends online that are safe and calm can be the thing. Baths where u can relax. Time to yourself journaling or whatever sounds delicious and safe to you. Stop going to places and people that just don't get it. Duck out. Avoid. Deny people your presence who don't provide you what you deserve. Maybe this is bad advice but maybe it might give you permission to put yourself first. For example last Christmas I didn't go to my mom's cuz her home doesn't feel happy to me. I took my kiddo to great Wolf Lodge. I chose me and my life for once. And it was a fucking blast. Just once I wanted to stop pleasing others . Sure it rocked the boat. But I couldn't keep sacrificing my mental well-being so others would be able to continue the status quo. Ask yourself what feels good and then be sure to get that for yourself. Stop barking up trees that aren't giving you anything good. I'm not saying change anything with your daddy per se. Just get what you need from him in a straightforward manner. You know who he is and what he's good at. Stop hurting yourself against him. Stop hurting you. You get it. You take care of you first. You get what you need cuz you're bright, smart, and brave. You first. Always.