Everything feels like it's too much.

[AltLofiSparks]

You know just when I feel as though things are going great again, that slight glimmer of hope you give it time and it just starts to fall apart.

People say things in life happen for a reason, but why? I don't learn anything from it, I don't gain anything, I just keep losing things. My time, my energy, my mental health, people everything and it just drags me down until I have nothing. And I'm just expected to keep on walking like I've always been and just not look back right?

To let things run it's course and it'll get better or do something to make it better for yourself. I've done both and yet I'm still stuck and end up right back right where I am. It gets better and then it stops and I just keep going because that's all I know how to do.

Don't stop because it's just going to catch up with me. Keep pushing or else I'll get pulled down, keep running or else I'll be left behind and I'll never be able to catch up. Keep working no matter the circumstances because nothing else matters but a roof over my head and my performance to keep my job. Yet I'm declining, have to pull myself up by my bootstraps and quit whining. 

I even have to keep my expectations low for when I meet other people because when I make them too high and create this image it's a complete and it's a total let down. A sham and a lie, and I hate liars. When people talk with words that sound nice it doesn't make them true, but it's hard to spot the liars when they are texting you. But to openly admit and changing stories right when we talk on the phone is absolutely wrong, I remember everything. It doesn't take long to scroll through texts to point out a lie. Having attachments to people plays out like a violin, one wrong stroke and they'll send you screeching and your heart bleeding. Then I cut those strings and suddenly I'm the bad guy, I'd rather cut ties than give more chances. Not say okay and forgive people when they take my kindness for granted. A zero tolerance policy, one and done, I'm tired of wasting my time on people. I open my heart out to people but I'm careful, they wonder why until they answer their own questions. I hate surprises, I hate liars, I hate half truths. Why can't anyone respect it and just communicate and be honest? I value it so much and it's not a lot to ask. Lying is manipulation, making me believe what you want me to is manipulation. But people mess up, and it only take a split second for me to notice because I remember things. And I can't be around people like that, I don't care if it was no harm no foul, it was lies and it hurt because I believed something and could've committed to something I knew I didn't want to all because of multiple lies and half truths all because they wanted something and were trying to use me. I'm not being trapped in something I can't get out of. Big decisions could've been made had I not known this information and just continued on without thinking because I thought everything was going okay and I would've been stuck.

Even work hasn't gotten any better. As much as I love my job I'm losing my motivation to get up. I'm mentally, emotionally and physically drained every single day, forced to wear a smile on front of each and every client and act like I'm not in pain or extremely exhausted. I have no more spoons. I go to work with no spoons. My performance is slowing down, I'm not eating, I haven't been able to take any breaks. My days off consists of sleeping and I still feel exhausted because I'm not recovering my own energy and dealing with people, socializing constantly is pushing me over the edge. I can't even leave my room. I don't have enough spoons to hang out with my friends, I had to force myself to color my roommates hair even though I wanted nothing to do with it because it was my day off and I just didn't want to be around people. I wanted me time. I'm just pretending, masking away wishing the day would end so I can just go back home and not come out. I work so many hours in the salon and my regional manager isn't even working to hire anyone. My salon manager and I are so overworked it's affecting everything. My own personal life just doesn't exist anymore, it just doesn't matter at this point, anything that goes on in it doesn't matter I just still have to show up to open and manage the salon and take care of my clientele.

That balanced life I had is no longer there. It's why I loved it so much, I had balance between work and personal life. And I'm just supposed to deal with that and everything else that happening right now on top of it. And all I get from my regional manager is "wow your store is doing so well in sales and clientele with just you and (salon manager) ever since we fired (coworker who had fake license, who screwed everything up for us in the first place). You guys have gotten extremely busy. we're going to get you guys shirts because you guys also won that contest last month in sales blah blah blah". That's all we get. Stupid dumb shirts, no word of a new hire, nothing. Word of praise, and that's it. I don't want praise of the crap I have to do, I want a break!! My salon manager needs a break! It's just us two and one big salon working ridiculous hours and no one to help us out!! And no one wants to come to this store to help balance us out!! And I can't just quit because it's the only salon that actually pays well hourly plus tips even though they give cruddy commission on retail (which I don't bother ever selling because it's literally $1-$2 per item sold. Literally nothing)  and I can't just leave my salon manager on her own when there's no one to replace me!! My regional manager is doing NOTHING to hire new stylists!! She's useless and we hate her most if not all of the dang time! I'm burning out. I can't keep doing this. 

Life has ups and downs?! So when is it supposed to get better huh??? I'm going through all of this again for the millionth time, there's no life lessons to be had, nothing I can learn from or anything!! I just have to deal with it because I don't have any other choice! It's becoming too much again. What is there to do?