Anxious Attachment style

[redruffle41]

Hi Friends

I'm struggling with an anxious attachment style.  It has been with me since my first boyfriend when I was 20 and his followed me through every relationship ( there's been like, three. Lol)

The way it shows up for me is one moment I will be feeling great, confident, secure about my dating relationship, happy in my life. And then suddenly I'll get triggered. It could be getting annoyed in a delayed response, not getting an answer I expect....basically any disappointment. And then I'll start feeling horrible. It feels like the relationship is all wrong.  It can be hard to voice my needs in that moment. Or even just say how I'm feeling. I've gotten better at mindfulness (DBT therapy, yay). So I do pretty well with emotional regulation and checking the facts etc. 

You guys I'm just so discouraged and sad about having this issue. It's soooo hard to pull myself out of my insecurity. It's so hard to distinguish between my anxiety vs actual relationship needs not being met. When I'm dating someone there's a lot of good moments and feelings. But this negativity always seems to pop it's head up. It affects me deeply. I become very overwhelmed, I cant think about anything else, I feel tense like I'm strung out just waiting for the other person to relieve my misery. It's helpless, and hopeless and desperate.

When it gets bad I get so upset that I can't engage with my kid. That's a very horrible guilty thing. Even my dog can tell something is wrong. It's like the light inside me suddenly turns off. I need to disengage with everyone because my internal focus is so zeroed in on this person, whether the relationship is good or if I should leave it. I'm trying to solve my anguish and trying to solve the problem... But it's like my frontal lobe sucks at solving this problem because this isn't just 2+2=4. In fact I don't even know what the problem is because I feel so bad that the overwhelm becomes the problem...... It's affecting my quality of life. 

Can anyone else relate??? Is there light at the end of the tunnel with this issue?? Is a healthy relationship even possible? Am I always going to struggle with this and if so is it fair to ask my partner to help me out?

[Tendillo]

I'm not sure what you've tried previously to help with this, but some people do find the following useful...

Can you identify your triggers along with your partner, so that he can help you find ways to cope, and reduce anxiety?

Is it possible to self-regulate better by grounding yourself using physical techniques such as splashing your face with cold water, or deep breathing, even some distracting exercise like walking or dancing to music?

Perhaps identify some rewarding activities outside of the relationship , with friends and family?

Try to recognise these thoughts as just that, nothing more, and whether they have any basis in fact. Try to stay with the thought, rather than react to it, until it starts to pass.

I hope this is of some use to you @redruffle41

[MasterPhotog]

17 hours ago, redruffle41 said:

Hi Friends

I'm struggling with an anxious attachment style.  It has been with me since my first boyfriend when I was 20 and his followed me through every relationship ( there's been like, three. Lol)

The way it shows up for me is one moment I will be feeling great, confident, secure about my dating relationship, happy in my life. And then suddenly I'll get triggered. It could be getting annoyed in a delayed response, not getting an answer I expect....basically any disappointment. And then I'll start feeling horrible. It feels like the relationship is all wrong.  It can be hard to voice my needs in that moment. Or even just say how I'm feeling. I've gotten better at mindfulness (DBT therapy, yay). So I do pretty well with emotional regulation and checking the facts etc. 

You guys I'm just so discouraged and sad about having this issue. It's soooo hard to pull myself out of my insecurity. It's so hard to distinguish between my anxiety vs actual relationship needs not being met. When I'm dating someone there's a lot of good moments and feelings. But this negativity always seems to pop it's head up. It affects me deeply. I become very overwhelmed, I cant think about anything else, I feel tense like I'm strung out just waiting for the other person to relieve my misery. It's helpless, and hopeless and desperate.

When it gets bad I get so upset that I can't engage with my kid. That's a very horrible guilty thing. Even my dog can tell something is wrong. It's like the light inside me suddenly turns off. I need to disengage with everyone because my internal focus is so zeroed in on this person, whether the relationship is good or if I should leave it. I'm trying to solve my anguish and trying to solve the problem... But it's like my frontal lobe sucks at solving this problem because this isn't just 2+2=4. In fact I don't even know what the problem is because I feel so bad that the overwhelm becomes the problem...... It's affecting my quality of life. 

Can anyone else relate??? Is there light at the end of the tunnel with this issue?? Is a healthy relationship even possible? Am I always going to struggle with this and if so is it fair to ask my partner to help me out?

@redruffle41  I relate to so much of what you wrote, especially the way a single trigger can suddenly make everything feel uncertain, even when things were feeling secure just moments before. The way you described your mind trying to "solve" the relationship while you're overwhelmed really resonated with me.

One thing that really stood out is that you're already doing the work. You're in DBT, you've learned mindfulness, you're checking the facts, and you're becoming more aware of your patterns. That doesn't mean the feelings disappear overnight, but it does mean you're building skills that can change how much those feelings run your life over time.

I also don't think you're alone in wondering, "Is this my anxiety, or is this a real unmet need?" That's such a difficult line to find, and I think many people with anxious attachment wrestle with that. It doesn't make you "too much" or incapable of having a healthy relationship—it just means you're learning to separate old fears from what's actually happening in the present.

And yes, I absolutely believe healthy relationships are possible. A caring partner can't heal anxious attachment for us, but they can absolutely be part of creating a relationship where communication, reassurance, and consistency help both people feel safe. It's okay to ask for support while also continuing to do your own healing.

The part that touched me most was how much this affects your ability to be present with your child and even your dog. That tells me how deeply you're hurting, not that you're failing. The fact that you're so aware of it and want things to be different says a lot about the kind of parent and partner you're trying to be.

I hope you know you're not broken, and you're certainly not alone. Healing from attachment wounds often isn't linear, but every time you notice the pattern instead of being completely consumed by it, that's progress—even if it doesn't feel like it in the moment. I really hope you keep going, because the self-awareness and effort you've described are already signs that you're moving in the right direction. Best of luck and keep up the good work! ❤️