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SirDaddy's Lessons #001: Getting started


SirDaddy
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Hello, I hope you don't mind but I'll start a little corner to share my opinions and advices based on my own experiences. Although this is mostly inclined to the you daddies out there, you littles could also read through to see the perspective of your partners.

 

Disclaimer: not everything I say is 100% definite, as relationships like ours are usually subjective. However, you can always ask me or anyone for that matter for tailor-made advices.

 

Ok, let's get started.

 

 

 

So you're a new aspiring ddlg comunity member, so you come here for advices... You don't know what to do, and you're afraid to mess up. Alright, I'll run you through a few things that you might need to know.

 

-Understand your partner.

It's difficult, I know. But you must learn to sense how they feel. How far can you take control of your little? How invested are they in this? Are they scared? Worried? Excited? Bored? Try to look at your partner and remember their habits. Personally, it was difficult work to try to do this, but I wanted to do it for my princess. The hardest part is knowhig when to push or pull. To know what to say to get them to open up.

For example, personally I use something like, "Princess, what's wrong?" or "Shhh, it's alright sweetie, you can talk to daddy about it" for a soft approach, getting them to open up or at least let them know you're there for them "Little girl, tell daddy all about it." for a more forceful approach(there are times when your littles just want to feel controlled, to be made to behave, to make them feel like you're strong and dependable)

 

-Make them trust you.

Trust is the most important thing in relationships. Show them you can be trusted, and be sincere about it. A little or a submissive just wants to trust, but are usually afraid to. They need you to be there to be depended on. By using my first advice of understanding them, know how far you can have them open up. For them to tell your their pasts, backstories and the like, you need trust. And you need to learn a bit of those to truly understand where they are coming from. Maybe you're afraid of delving too deep, but if you don't understand them in the first place, they won't be able to trust you. Understanding allows trust, and trust allows understanding. Make sure that they won't ever feel used by you, that you're not just after their body. Touch their hearts, not just their flesh.

 

-Reassure them.

When you know what your partner is afraid of, and they trust you enough... Reassure them, and reassure them some more. A little is usually afraid of being looked down upon, being hated by others, turning you away with their selfish desires, losing you, trusting you too much that they won't be able to take losing you, not being good enough for you... Those are few of the fears I've seen from my princess. It's your job to take away and ease those fears, if you can do so, you'll take away a layer of your partner's shackles and they can be more open with you. Warning though, just as you can remove their inhibitions and fears, your actions and words can also put them in your partner just the same. You should always be loookig at your partner's condition, and never, ever, ever let a problem be left unresolved. You don't know how horrible it can snowball into. The more that she keeps from you, the less inclined they would be to truly open up to you.

 

-Believe in them.

As much as you want them to trust you, trust them too. Make them feel that trust. Show them that you're willing to share your heart with them. Don't be afraid to open up. Try to do things together. And most importantly,

 

-Be sincere.

Love them for who they are. Be honest with how you feel. Show them how much you really care. As long as you're sincere, and open about that sincerity, everythig else will come along.

 

Good luck to all of you, I wish you a successful and harmonious relationship!

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This was an amazing post, I really loved all about it and I think it is very important for people to learn. Way too many want to rush in and be your daddy from week 1, but the underlying base of trust, love and support is lacking. I look forward to reading your other lesson, even as a little :)

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@LittleZen Thanks! It's nice to see someone appreciate it. You can always ask me for help, or opinion, if you need. I guess the one thing people like us need to learn is to love ourself and love our partner. More often than not, we are plagued by fears and insecurities, but I really love how connecting with your partner can shape you into a better person. I've molded my little into a girl who is niw strong enough to face her past and whatever hurdle comes her way in the future, because she knows that even if she fails, even if she shatters and be broken, I'll be there to piece her back up and make her stand up stronger than ever before. I console her, comfort her, and support her. At the same time, feeling her reliance on me makes me feel my own worth, feeling her unconditional love for me makes me love myself. I think that this relationship is beautiful and I won't have it any other way, no mater what anyone else thinks.

 

After all, I believe that everyone deserves to be loved.

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I think you make some very accurate and astute points - but maybe I am reading into it a little differently than intended. 

A lot of what you are talking about is a mutual effort, or even more effort from the caregiver. However, the words used seem to point more to manipulating the situation (lets not forget, manipulation can be a GOOD thing - so I don't mean this as offense) so that the little sees in a certain light instead of letting something grow naturally and progress at an organic rate.

 

For example: "Make them trust you" - what I am hearing is that the little needs to feel secure and safe in the presence of her caregiver. But what I am reading are tactics to influence a set of emotions/triggers to get their loyalty through plays and key phrases. Maybe instead of using the iconic "Princess what is wrong," and triggering the little, the effort should be to connect on a different level. "I know you are hurting, what can I do for you?" I know these seem subtle, but some phrases here make a difference. There is a massive distinction between "making them trust you" and "earning their trust." 

 

It seems like the heavy overtone is how to control the little's emotions/reactions/actions/etc versus how the caregiver can grow as a person to encompass any little and their need. If a person grows into a proper caregiver (I am not hinting at "fake daddies" or anything, but rather allowing themselves to learn and grow) then there really shouldn't be all this need of "making them trust you" or even understanding them. You need to understand yourself before you can take on the monumental task of caring for another - so I think that should be highlighted instead. Are you, as a caregiver, able to be in relations with someone with a mental disorder, anxiety, eating disorder, clingy, super little (1-3), middle (10-14), bratty, wholly submissive, etc?

 

Things you need to know as a new member of ddlg (or any dynamic) is who YOU are - not how to get in a little's good graces. Knowing yourself (baseline - not fully) is key to any type of relationship, and I think it would be abysmal to just skip over that part. A new caregiver (hell, a new little) should always take the time to figure out what they need before diving head first into any relationship. Otherwise they are going to try to contort themselves into what they think is required instead of listening to their heart and doing what makes them happy. And maybe what makes them happy wont make most caregiver's happy - that's okay. Same with caregivers - maybe they need an "unconventional" little (I say that with the understanding that there is no typecast for a little, at all) and because of which, they shouldn't try to manipulate a little into being what they want. Or vice versa. I don't know - I feel like the very first piece of advice someone should heed is finding themselves out. And if they do - learning how to grow naturally.

 

Like I hinted at - I am super observant to specific language, so I could be reading this all wrong. But I feel the perspective of this written piece is a little bit more along the side of the caregiver getting the little into his preferred state versus the they both coming together in mutual effort and care. Which, if I am correct, is a bit concerning. If I am wrong, my due apologies!

 

I am an analyst after all, heh.

Edited by LittleBree
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I have, sincerely, very mixed feelings about this post. On the one hand there is some sound advice to be taken. On the other, that advice seems to me to be borderline manipulative, and, frankly detrimental to a lasting relationship. I really don't want to come down hard on this piece, but the manner in which it is framed, and the fact that this sage user is 18 with a very very new account. Overall, this seems pretty shady... 

 

 

relationships like ours are usually subjective. 

ALL relationships are subjective. A relationship is the merging of two humans who continually grow and change and develop together; be it a friendship, a relative, or a partner. They're subjective from the outside looking in, and they're subjective from the inside looking out. DDlg is no exception. 

 

Then, one of your leading suggestions for caregivers who are just starting out is to see...

 

How far can you take control of your little?

 

 

 

Really?!!!

 

The first thing that any good caregiver learns is that, when things are starting out, the little is never YOUR little until such time as he or she deems appropriate. In truth, being given that submission is a great privilege, and a great responsibility. It's not something that should ever be taken lightly; it's an act that needs to be respected.

there are times when your littles just want to feel controlled, to be made to behave, to make them feel like you're strong and dependable

 

 

Careful, now... Either you're a mind reader, or you're going to be crossing some boundaries. If not your little's, then you'll soon find that you are crossing your own. People are intricate and delicate beings. Bigs, littles, vanilla beans and jelly beans of all different shapes, sizes, and our snowflakey glory. Not one of us comes in the same packaging, and what's inside is this ever evolving thing we don't really understand, but have the audacity to name, "consciousness." Littles can be either male and female, and at their core they are of course, HUMANS... Unless you don't have habits, trying to predict ANY human's behaviour by his or her habits, and then tailoring your own behaviour or responses to certain cues, is very deceptive, and it's treacherous water without a firmly embedded foundation of love, trust, respect and communication - none of which you mention explicitly in your first point. Not to mention, tailoring your behaviour will come at the total disregard of your own needs / habits etc.

 

-Make them trust you.
 

Alarm bells ring very loudly when I read these constant, "Make them, make them, make them." The text quoted above is really disturbing to me. Where's your trust in all of this? How much do you open up to your little? Do you feel it's more Dom to hold in your emotions? That pent up emotion is going to come out in detrimental ways to your relationship, and your life; or cancer... Seriously - if you want a long lasting DDLg relationship, or any relationship, then as stated above, you need get to know yourself, and your counterpart first, and let them get to know you... At the end of the day, you really cannot MAKE someone trust you. Trust, like respect and submission, is something that is earned. It is something that is given freely, and when it isn't given freely, it isn't trust at all. 

 

 

-Reassure them.
When you know what your partner is afraid of, and they trust you enough... Reassure them, and reassure them some more. A little is usually afraid of being looked down upon, being hated by others, turning you away with their selfish desires, losing you, trusting you too much that they won't be able to take losing you, not being good enough for you... Those are few of the fears I've seen from my princess. It's your job to take away and ease those fears, if you can do so, you'll take away a layer of your partner's shackles and they can be more open with you. Warning though, just as you can remove their inhibitions and fears, your actions and words can also put them in your partner just the same. You should always be loookig at your partner's condition, and never, ever, ever let a problem be left unresolved. You don't know how horrible it can snowball into. The more that she keeps from you, the less inclined they would be to truly open up to you.
 

This paragraph is actually pretty spot-on, and I'm not sure why you didn't start with it, because for any relationship these waters need to be navigated. The three C's come to mind... Communication, communication, communication.

 

As much as you want them to trust you, trust them too. Make them feel that trust. Show them that you're willing to share your heart with them. Don't be afraid to open up. Try to do things together. And most importantly,

 

-Be sincere.
Love them for who they are. Be honest with how you feel. Show them how much you really care. As long as you're sincere, and open about that sincerity, everythig else will come along.
 

So you get to 'mutual trust' towards the end of your post, but the framing of "make them," again, just feels like a falsehood. Again - I don't know why you didn't mention this earlier. The fact that you've put these couple of pleasant points at the end of an "introductory" post makes them seem like an afterthought, and something added to even out what is otherwise, arguably, a quite unnerving take on how the dynamic can work. 

Am I alone in this????

Edited by MisterJ
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For example: "Make them trust you" - what I am hearing is that the little needs to feel secure and safe in the presence of her caregiver. But what I am reading are tactics to influence a set of emotions/triggers to get their loyalty through plays and key phrases. Maybe instead of using the iconic "Princess what is wrong," and triggering the little, the effort should be to connect on a different level. "I know you are hurting, what can I do for you?" I know these seem subtle, but some phrases here make a difference. There is a massive distinction between "making them trust you" and "earning their trust." 

 

It seems like the heavy overtone is how to control the little's emotions/reactions/actions/etc versus how the caregiver can grow as a person to encompass any little and their need. If a person grows into a proper caregiver (I am not hinting at "fake daddies" or anything, but rather allowing themselves to learn and grow) then there really shouldn't be all this need of "making them trust you" or even understanding them. You need to understand yourself before you can take on the monumental task of caring for another - so I think that should be highlighted instead. Are you, as a caregiver, able to be in relations with someone with a mental disorder, anxiety, eating disorder, clingy, super little (1-3), middle (10-14), bratty, wholly submissive, etc?

 

Things you need to know as a new member of ddlg (or any dynamic) is who YOU are - not how to get in a little's good graces. Knowing yourself (baseline - not fully) is key to any type of relationship, and I think it would be abysmal to just skip over that part. A new caregiver (hell, a new little) should always take the time to figure out what they need before diving head first into any relationship. Otherwise they are going to try to contort themselves into what they think is required instead of listening to their heart and doing what makes them happy. And maybe what makes them happy wont make most caregiver's happy - that's okay. Same with caregivers - maybe they need an "unconventional" little (I say that with the understanding that there is no typecast for a little, at all) and because of which, they shouldn't try to manipulate a little into being what they want. Or vice versa. I don't know - I feel like the very first piece of advice someone should heed is finding themselves out. And if they do - learning how to grow naturally.

 

 

#preach

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