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    How can I introduce my boyfriend well into ddlg? Aka. explain it

    nsfw ddlg relationship advice little petplay aftercare newbie new

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    #1 stardustgeek

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    Posted 31 January 2020 - 06:58 AM

    meh

     

     

     

    Hey, I'm Jenny and pretty new into ddlg so I can really get a good use of helpful tips and advice ^-^

     

    I already informed myself about the stuff that includes ddlg but also know that everyone lives it out in his own way so i know there's no definite answer what you should and shouldn't do and say in your personal lifestyle.

    I wanted to introduce my boyfriend a bit into the ddlg lifestyle since he's a natural dom in the bedroom, but I don't know what i could say or do to introduce it better. He doesn't has any problems to express his dom nature when it's nsfw time, but he is scared or dislikes the idea of the lifestyle aka. everything that goes outside of the bedroom.

     

    I asked him once if I could get 2-4 rules to start it slowly but he already kind of ''flipped out'' because he says It's toxic to give rules to someone and to control a person like that and that he's not a manipulative person. I tried to explain that it isn't toxic or manipulative at all and that rules help little's to take care of themselves, to feel taken care of and that rules help to portray the dom/sub relationship if you decide to follow the rules or not and get consequences by that. I also tried to explain that the sub is not literally being controlled and manipulated because the sub can always say safe-words and tell the dom to stop with punishments etc. if the sub isn't in the right mind space for it. But then he said stuff like rules are useless and not necessary if the sub can jump out of it anytime anyways if the sub has the power to decide over that. So explaining it is a bit difficult and it would be nice to get tips how i can chose my words to explain it better so that he gets a better concept of it. I had a toxic relationship with my ex and got seriously controlled and manipulated so maybe he's scared to end up like my ex to become a bad person, but i can't choose good arguments and words to express the concept better. And he probably has prejudges over bdsm relationships in general, so i would like to get him to know what it's really about so maybe when he understands it better he wouldn't be so blindly against it.

     

    I specially talk with my boyfriend in English and it's neither his nor my native language, why choosing the right words can be difficult depending on what i really mean to say and how he can receive the information. But we communicate perfectly in English and there's no language barrier by the way! So it's just about how i could form my sentences in a way that it can't get understood in the opposite way ^-^

     

    I also have no problem if ddlg isn't his type of thing, but i would at least like to try it out a bit since he said he likes experimenting, but everything that gets outside of the bedroom is for him already too much so i brought up the idea to do the ''lifestyle'' part into a type of foreplay, but there isn't much foreplay time either, just when we tried out pet play there was a long foreplay session. So yea, it's quite difficult ^-^

     

    Should i just better accept that he doesn't want any lifestyle part of ddlg and not try to at least introduce him more into it and not even to experiment a bit before he can be saying a definite no?

     

    Maybe it can be that I am pushing him into it without realizing that, so you can openly tell me your opinions!

     

    Btw we both are monogamous so if I can't live our the lifestyle part of ddlg with him i also can't do it with somebody else, even if it wouldn't include any type of nsfw stuff. That would be already considered cheating or committing a relationship in his eyes so i also accept that and wouldn't try to search a daddy for the mindset only.

     

    At least when we watch cartoons together or cook (well he's the cook because I'm terrible at it but I'm a little assistant handing him the spices he needs or doing stuff that doesn't involve hot oil or the pan!) i can get into little space and there he doesn't has a problem with me being a little, it's just that there's not the real caregiver relationship between us and it's no difference to being a little at home alone or with him if he doesn't interact with me in a daddy way, specially since I need a lot of attention while in little space so i cope with a lot of cuddles instead of being able to get baby talked to, pet, to draw/play together, get praised, remembered of my rules and tasks, etc. ^-^

     

    Sorry for such a long text, but i tried to explain the situation as detailed as possible :3

     



    #2 Huggybear

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    Posted 31 January 2020 - 11:04 AM

    Hey!

    Gonna go straight into the topic:

    1. Rules.
    If Rules seem hard, ask him do a "To do" list for you for example on one weekday. Lets say on sundays, he could make a list of things to do, it could involve one or two chores, but also things like "drink 2 glasses of water" "Brush your hair infront of the mirror and remind yourself that youre beautiful". These are things not set in stone and can be considered onetime things and thus a very soft approach. Its also a chance for him to test his dominance factor. Is he actually able to tell you to do things, and is he able to do it in a manner thats cute, respectful and doesnt make you feel like a maid. Maybe this would help him better understand what rules could mean for the two of you, as to do lists are widely understood.

     

    2. Rule breaking:
    If your end goal is indeed rule breaking for punishments - please dont start like that. A better way to get a punishment is to politely ask for it. Reason can be something as simple as "im having rebellious thoughts, would you punish me please". That is alot more respectful and a dom spirit would understand. In my book rulebreaking with the sole intent of being punished is considered a bit rude, especially if its consistent.

    3. Safe word
    Safe word is for ---SAFETY---, its not a cheat code to get away from responsibility, its for physical and mental protection. Its an ominous sign if a person thinks rules or any kind of bdsm is pointless if theres a safe word involved that can be used to "jump out of it anytime anyways". I think he doesnt really see that You want this, this is your idea, you want to do good.

    Having said all that, I cant blame your BF one bit. Not everyone is into bdsm or ddlg in a lifestyle form. Youre sadly treading difficult waters and it will take alot of commitment from the both of you if you really want to add more DDLG Dynamics into your life. I would really recommend reading and studying for the both of you first before going in too deep. Maybe there is an epiphany waiting for the both of you. This forum is a great source of information, google is also a friend. Take it slow and keep the lines of communication open.

    I realise I didnt address the entire post, I hope this helped.

     


    Edited by Huggybear, 31 January 2020 - 11:15 AM.


    #3 KaytiGirl1993

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    Posted 31 January 2020 - 05:32 PM

    Honestly I admit to my Dom that I struggle with self care. The rules he sets are to cover self care needs I struggle with. My safe word is not for getting out of punishment. It's for informing when I can't handle the extent of the punishment. The sub is always in control because it's not about the Dom manipulating his sub. It's about the sub choosing to consent to the lifestyle in a way that satisfies both parties. Maybe figure out what you struggle with for self care and ask him to stay on you about that. Maybe not so much calling it rules as just asking him to punish you if you start to slack off on your self care. For me it's eating, shaving, brushing my teeth, and taking my vitamins. I get at least three warnings and then a punishment if I keep forgetting. Also set chores that you need to keep up on. Just tell him you want help holding yourself accountable for rules you already should be following on your own. It involves him into your life in a way that is consentual, productive, and trust building. This is you showing him that you trust him to keep you on track with your own everyday life without controlling or abusing you. As for introducing your little that's a matter of explaining that being an adult all the time can be overwhelming for you. You need time to feel like a child sometimes but you need supervision to feel safe. The lifestyle is an inner need to be taken care of. As a natural Dom he is capable of providing that care. It's not a problem with taking care of yourself. You just need to feel like someone else is willing to show you they love you by taking care of you sometimes. Maybe come up with some activities you can do in your little space that allow you to let go. My Dom and I take turns cooking dinner. If it's his turn I go into little space and help him by doing the dishes or keeping him company in the kitchen. Sometimes I play a board game with him. Find ways to feel like a kid that don't involve the adult bossing you around beyond just keeping you healthy and safe. Also if you want to experiment together then maybe suggest starting with the online kink quiz. The website should have BDSM right in the title. The results can help you narrow down what sort of lifestyle you can both get into. We settled on DDLG because our quizzes showed him as a Daddy and me as a little and I had no idea I liked that until I took the quiz.

    Edited by KaytiGirl1993, 31 January 2020 - 05:39 PM.


    #4 stardustgeek

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    Posted 01 February 2020 - 02:10 PM

    Hey!

    Gonna go straight into the topic:

    1. Rules.
    If Rules seem hard, ask him do a "To do" list for you for example on one weekday. Lets say on sundays, he could make a list of things to do, it could involve one or two chores, but also things like "drink 2 glasses of water" "Brush your hair infront of the mirror and remind yourself that youre beautiful". These are things not set in stone and can be considered onetime things and thus a very soft approach. Its also a chance for him to test his dominance factor. Is he actually able to tell you to do things, and is he able to do it in a manner thats cute, respectful and doesnt make you feel like a maid. Maybe this would help him better understand what rules could mean for the two of you, as to do lists are widely understood.

     

    2. Rule breaking:
    If your end goal is indeed rule breaking for punishments - please dont start like that. A better way to get a punishment is to politely ask for it. Reason can be something as simple as "im having rebellious thoughts, would you punish me please". That is alot more respectful and a dom spirit would understand. In my book rulebreaking with the sole intent of being punished is considered a bit rude, especially if its consistent.

    3. Safe word
    Safe word is for ---SAFETY---, its not a cheat code to get away from responsibility, its for physical and mental protection. Its an ominous sign if a person thinks rules or any kind of bdsm is pointless if theres a safe word involved that can be used to "jump out of it anytime anyways". I think he doesnt really see that You want this, this is your idea, you want to do good.

    Having said all that, I cant blame your BF one bit. Not everyone is into bdsm or ddlg in a lifestyle form. Youre sadly treading difficult waters and it will take alot of commitment from the both of you if you really want to add more DDLG Dynamics into your life. I would really recommend reading and studying for the both of you first before going in too deep. Maybe there is an epiphany waiting for the both of you. This forum is a great source of information, google is also a friend. Take it slow and keep the lines of communication open.

    I realise I didnt address the entire post, I hope this helped.

     

    First of all thanks for your reply! The idea of a to-do list sounds very good!

    And I'm sorry if it seemed so, but of course it's not my intention to rule break or constantly rule break, but I'm a brat and often seek the punishments because it get's a lot of attention from my Dom but of course i want the rules to be taken care of and to be a good girl to him to also hear how nicely I do my things. But as i said on the other hand I'm by nature bratty, why i ''seek'' the rule breaking or not doing exactly as told so but again, It's not my only intention for them but still thanks for what you mentioned there :3 It's more that I like spanking and other type of ''punishments'' no matter if I get it then of actual rule breaking, or if I do something out of provocation ^-^

     

    And yes, safewords are just and only for the safety of the little (and the dom, he can also speak out safewords because the ddlg and bdsm relationship isn't just all about the sub) but i meantioned it to him so that he would understand that he couldn't ever truly manipulate me, because for this reason exactly there are the safewords to be protected by these circumstances. Maybe I didn't got it so much right when i tried to explain it to him or he didn't undertood the concept of the safewords yet that it's just for the safety and to be taken seriously, not to skip rules and activities ^-^

     

    And again thanks, what you said was already really helpful!
    Do you recommend me also maybe some good posts here in this Forum? I'm new into ddlg in general so no matter what i need tons of researching and information until i can really go into it all :3


    Edited by stardustgeek, 01 February 2020 - 02:40 PM.


    #5 Huggybear

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    Posted 01 February 2020 - 02:28 PM

    Hey!

    Personally I find the recources section loaded with neutral and helpful information.
    I admit I havent scoured it too deep myself as ive been in the scene for a long time and my information has come in tiny drops over the years from blogs and posts way too numerous to recommend here :).

    Try looking for keywords important to you. Like rules, introducing ddlg etc.

    All the best to you two!


    Edited by Huggybear, 01 February 2020 - 02:28 PM.

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    #6 stardustgeek

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    Posted 01 February 2020 - 02:46 PM

    Honestly I admit to my Dom that I struggle with self care. The rules he sets are to cover self care needs I struggle with. My safe word is not for getting out of punishment. It's for informing when I can't handle the extent of the punishment. The sub is always in control because it's not about the Dom manipulating his sub. It's about the sub choosing to consent to the lifestyle in a way that satisfies both parties. Maybe figure out what you struggle with for self care and ask him to stay on you about that. Maybe not so much calling it rules as just asking him to punish you if you start to slack off on your self care. For me it's eating, shaving, brushing my teeth, and taking my vitamins. I get at least three warnings and then a punishment if I keep forgetting. Also set chores that you need to keep up on. Just tell him you want help holding yourself accountable for rules you already should be following on your own. It involves him into your life in a way that is consentual, productive, and trust building. This is you showing him that you trust him to keep you on track with your own everyday life without controlling or abusing you. As for introducing your little that's a matter of explaining that being an adult all the time can be overwhelming for you. You need time to feel like a child sometimes but you need supervision to feel safe. The lifestyle is an inner need to be taken care of. As a natural Dom he is capable of providing that care. It's not a problem with taking care of yourself. You just need to feel like someone else is willing to show you they love you by taking care of you sometimes. Maybe come up with some activities you can do in your little space that allow you to let go. My Dom and I take turns cooking dinner. If it's his turn I go into little space and help him by doing the dishes or keeping him company in the kitchen. Sometimes I play a board game with him. Find ways to feel like a kid that don't involve the adult bossing you around beyond just keeping you healthy and safe. Also if you want to experiment together then maybe suggest starting with the online kink quiz. The website should have BDSM right in the title. The results can help you narrow down what sort of lifestyle you can both get into. We settled on DDLG because our quizzes showed him as a Daddy and me as a little and I had no idea I liked that until I took the quiz.

    Thank you too for your respond!
    He already knows my little side while cooking for example, there I also feel taken care of, specially since he tries to teach me that hot oil isn't that scary and overcoming my fear of it, or that i can assist even by searching a nice show on the tv that we can watch when it's time to eat and watch tv together, i truly love that bond in these times and feel really happy!

    I also have selfcare struggles like forgetting to brush my teeth, or in general that i loose motivation to do my homework and school stuff, so thanks for giving me the tip that a ''rule'' could be more of a reminder to me to do these things to help me keeping track with what i have to deal with!

    And honestly we even did the BDSM test on that website, i can even show the results!

    I got:

     

    100% Submissive
    100% Brat
    100% Rope bunny
    97% Degradee
    94% Primal (Prey)
    82% Boy/Girl
    79% Masochist
    75% Pet
    56% Slave
    53% Experimentalist
    47% Rigger
    45% Ageplayer
    30% Sadist
    3% Daddy/Mommy
    2% Primal (Hunter)
    1% Exhibitionist
    1% Voyeur
    1% Vanilla
    1% Brat tamer
    1% Switch
    0% Dominant
    0% Degrader
    0% Owner
    0% Master/Mistress
    0% Non-monogamist

     

    And he got as a result:

     

    87% Degrader

    79% Master/mistress

    79% Dominant

    64% voyeur

    61% Vanilla

    59% primal (Hunter)

    58% Switch

    57% Owner

    56% Sadist

    53% Experimentalist

    51% Rigger

    47% Exhibitionist

    43% Daddy/Mommy

    41% Brat tamer

    41% Submissive

    24% degradee

    4% Brat

    2% Slave

    2% Rope bunny

    1% Non-monogamist

    1% Masochist

    1% Pet

    0% Ageplayer

    0% Boy/Girl

     

    He told me that he didn't quite understood all the questions or what exactly was meant in some questions. He said that he doesn't like submissive or degradee at all and that he probably answered soe stuff without thinking well what whas really meant.
     







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